A couple of years ago, I read two books that changed my perspective on life. They were Beautiful Boy by David Sheff and Tweak by David's son, Nic. I picked up Beautiful Boy on a whim one day at a local bookstore without even reading the jacket (figuring a title borrowed from a great song by John Lennon has to be a good sign). Within 48 hours, I'd finished it and was back at the bookstore looking for Tweak, as I now felt strangely connected to the family in the story and the tortured addict, Nic. I credit this to David's heartfelt and unbelievably honest writing.
In essence, the books tell the same story from two differing points of view. David's told of how he has nearly lost his son to drug addiction many, many times (and nearly lost his own life, family, and sanity in the process). Nic's deals with the first hand account of a young man growing up and entering adulthood addicted to methamphetamine, providing insight into what led him, a brilliant and caring young student, to fall into a life of drug use and recklessness.
While I am fortunate to have never suffered from an extreme addiction, I can very much relate to what led Nic Sheff into such a dangerous lifestyle. I cried many times while reading these books. I cried for the helpless father who loved and feared for his son and saw all of his child's potential being wasted. I cried for the boy who was so loving but never could love himself- who was so eager to please everyone that he became deathly afraid of rejection.
Nic had/has many demons in his mind that he constantly wrestles. He tells in his book that he found drugs as a way to push his worries, insecurities, and uncomfortable feelings towards himself to the side so that he could survive life. I have dear friends like Nic. In a lot of ways, I'm like Nic too.
Sometimes while reading his thoughts in his book, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Thankfully, I never fell into the trap of drug use to deal with my own troubles. Instead, I tend to just shut down, close off, hide, and/or run away. I feel like the speaker in the Cohen song "Bird on a Wire" who sings, "Like a baby still born/Like a beast with his horn/ I've torn everyone who reached out to me". My methods of dealing with internal struggles are less dangerous, but no more helpful than Nic's. I know they often hurt those who are closest to me.
These books made me think about myself, my family, my friends, and life in general. But as usual, I brushed that introspective train of thought aside and kept on living. I'm a master at faking a smile and moving on, as I would imagine many of us are.
This year I turn 30, and I feel like I'm in a bit of a pressure cooker. Recently, things have forced me to turn the spotlight onto my own thoughts- which always scares me. I know that I'm blessed (with all of my baggage and insecurities) not to have followed the same path as Nic Sheff. However, like he did, I need to work at facing myself a bit more and learning to find happiness and validation within myself and not from the approval of others. I've gotta long way to go, but I'm learning- and like Sam Cooke said, "a change is gonna come!"
The older I get, the more I realize that there is no instruction manual on living- we just make it up as we go along and- hopefully- learn from our mistakes. Beautiful Boy and Tweak were eye opening and emotionally moving books for me. They illustrate how we all are imperfect in so many ways, but that our imperfections can shape us and make us better if we recognize them and face them. It also reminded me that the only way to deal with imperfections in others and in ourselves is to use a lot of love a patience. Every soul is-at it's essence- beautiful- we just forget to look that deep sometimes (into others and into ourselves).
And so my rambling ends..."Like a bird on a wire/ Like a drunk in a midnight choir/ I have tried in my way to be free" (Cohen).
Go and read these two books- you'll be glad you did. Until next time, blog people...
*****
Some of my favorite passage from Beautiful Boy and Tweak:
"I always get so overwhelmed trying to do everything perfectly. I can't do a job and not put everything I have into it. I need to be the best employee, the best co-worker, the best whatever. I need everyone to like me and I just burn out bending over backward to make that happen. Having people be mad at me is my worst fear. I can't stand it. There is this crazy fear I have of being rejected by anyone - even people I don't really care about. It's always better to leave them first, cut all ties, and disappear. They can't hurt me that way - no one can. "
"As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to be whole and complete in yourself. No one can give you that. You have to know who you are - what others say is irrelevant."
"It's like if the music is loud enough I won't be able to listen to my own thoughts. "
"I feel so completely crazy sometimes. I don't know which way I'm facing. All I can do is just shove all this shit to the side and try to move forward. "
"I don't want you to worry about protecting my feelings or your father's or anybody's. When you were little you always tried to make everyone happy. Then it was like one day you just exploded."
"None of them seem as crazy obsessive about everything as I am. It's strange 'cause I had the same feeling in high school that I have here. It's like, well, it just seems so easy for everyone else and so difficult for me. I turn from these extremes of feeling on top of the fucking world - to feeling so despondent. They don't have to struggle like I do - or maybe that's just me comparing my goddamn insides to everyone else's outsides. But I swear to God, I just seem to wrestle with everything more than anyone else."
"There's something about outward appearances that has always been important to me. I always thought I was so ugly. I mean, I really did. I remember being in L.A. at my mom's house as a little kid and just staring into the mirror for hours. It was like, if I looked long enough, maybe I'd finally be handsome. It never worked. I just got uglier and uglier. Nothing about me ever seemed good enough. And there was this sadness inside me - this hopelessness. Focusing on my physical appearance was at least easier than trying to address the internal shit."
*****
P.S: After reading Beautiful Boy I wrote a song called "Nicholas". You can read it here: http://themadmusingsofahopelessdaydreamer.blogspot.com/2008/11/nicholas.html
A group that just demoed a song for me heard "Nicholas" on my blog, liked it, and expressed interest in it. I sent them the sheet music. We'll see what comes of it. It is one of my favorite songs that I've written- so I hope it finds some use. I'll keep you posted...
(follow this link for an update on Nic Sheff: http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/04/16/shef.inside.addiction.tweak/index.html)
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