New Demo Recording- "Rio"

Here is a new demo recording of a song I wrote some time ago called "Rio".   It's about the late actor River Phoenix.

"Zebulon" by Rufus Wainwright

Kanye West may call himself the voice of our generation.  For me, it's Rufus.  I love him and what he does.
Who couldn't?  Here he sings one of his new songs.  He does it with no re-verb, no studio tricks, and no band.  It's just Rufus, his songwriting, and his piano.  Beautiful.

The Garden

The Garden

*click to hear sheet music:

 http://tindeck.com/listen/tlhi

Verse 1:

It's midnight in a garden

that's filled with fireflies.

A new day's at the threshold;

an old one slowly dies.

Humidity is hanging.

There's floating candlelight.

I watch these flying lanterns

do battle with my night.

Verse 2:

The lazy trees are dancing

so calmly with the wind.

I'm home in soft seclusion.

My mind is stretched and thin.

And here among these spirits-

the remnants of my past-

I hear a night bird singing

a song that cannot last.

Chorus:

I've found this gentle garden

and hid within its dream.

I've farmed its fertile landscape

and bathed in moonlit streams.

I never meant to linger;

I've stayed here far too long.

This garden's now my fortress

Its walls have grown too strong.

Verse 3:

I gave up hope of flying.

I gladly clipped my wings

to live amidst the beauty-

to worship unseen things.

Alone, I found this garden

of simple solitude

far from the tree of knowledge,

the serpent, and the fruit.

Bridge:

The clock has stopped its chiming,

and time is standing still.

The beast that lives on mem'ries

is ready for the kill.

The garden's slowly dying.

It's starved of sunlit days.

It's now a cemetery-

a place of slow decay

(REPEAT CHORUS)

Verse 4:

Still, midnight's in the garden;

it seems to never leave.

I'm rooted and unchanging-

forever in between.

I need your time and patience

to help me leave this place-

to move on to tomorrow,

feel sunshine on my face.

-J.S. 05/10

VOCAL DEMO:

"Nicholas" - New Recording

"Nicholas", a song that I wrote a while back, has been given a demo recording. You can hear it by clicking the box below. 

Two Life Changing Books and Some Rambling...

A couple of years ago, I read two books that changed my perspective on life. They were Beautiful Boy by David Sheff and Tweak by David's son, Nic. I picked up Beautiful Boy on a whim one day at a local bookstore without even reading the jacket (figuring a title borrowed from a great song by John Lennon has to be a good sign). Within 48 hours, I'd finished it and was back at the bookstore looking for Tweak, as I now felt strangely connected to the family in the story and the tortured addict, Nic. I credit this to David's heartfelt and unbelievably honest writing.

In essence, the books tell the same story from two differing points of view. David's told of how he has nearly lost his son to drug addiction many, many times (and nearly lost his own life, family, and sanity in the process). Nic's deals with the first hand account of a young man growing up and entering adulthood addicted to methamphetamine, providing insight into what led him, a brilliant and caring young student, to fall into a life of drug use and recklessness.

While I am fortunate to have never suffered from an extreme addiction, I can very much relate to what led Nic Sheff into such a dangerous lifestyle. I cried many times while reading these books. I cried for the helpless father who loved and feared for his son and saw all of his child's potential being wasted. I cried for the boy who was so loving but never could love himself- who was so eager to please everyone that he became deathly afraid of rejection.

Nic had/has many demons in his mind that he constantly wrestles. He tells in his book that he found drugs as a way to push his worries, insecurities, and uncomfortable feelings towards himself to the side so that he could survive life. I have dear friends like Nic. In a lot of ways, I'm like Nic too.

Sometimes while reading his thoughts in his book, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Thankfully, I never fell into the trap of drug use to deal with my own troubles. Instead, I tend to just shut down, close off, hide, and/or run away. I feel like the speaker in the Cohen song "Bird on a Wire" who sings, "Like a baby still born/Like a beast with his horn/ I've torn everyone who reached out to me". My methods of dealing with internal struggles are less dangerous, but no more helpful than Nic's. I know they often hurt those who are closest to me.

These books made me think about myself, my family, my friends, and life in general. But as usual, I brushed that introspective train of thought aside and kept on living. I'm a master at faking a smile and moving on, as I would imagine many of us are.

This year I turn 30, and I feel like I'm in a bit of a pressure cooker. Recently, things have forced me to turn the spotlight onto my own thoughts- which always scares me. I know that I'm blessed (with all of my baggage and insecurities) not to have followed the same path as Nic Sheff. However, like he did, I need to work at facing myself a bit more and learning to find happiness and validation within myself and not from the approval of others. I've gotta long way to go, but I'm learning- and like Sam Cooke said, "a change is gonna come!"

The older I get, the more I realize that there is no instruction manual on living- we just make it up as we go along and- hopefully- learn from our mistakes. Beautiful Boy and Tweak were eye opening and emotionally moving books for me. They illustrate how we all are imperfect in so many ways, but that our imperfections can shape us and make us better if we recognize them and face them. It also reminded me that the only way to deal with imperfections in others and in ourselves is to use a lot of love a patience. Every soul is-at it's essence- beautiful- we just forget to look that deep sometimes (into others and into ourselves).

And so my rambling ends..."Like a bird on a wire/ Like a drunk in a midnight choir/ I have tried in my way to be free" (Cohen).

Go and read these two books- you'll be glad you did. Until next time, blog people...

*****

Some of my favorite passage from Beautiful Boy and Tweak:

"I always get so overwhelmed trying to do everything perfectly. I can't do a job and not put everything I have into it. I need to be the best employee, the best co-worker, the best whatever. I need everyone to like me and I just burn out bending over backward to make that happen. Having people be mad at me is my worst fear. I can't stand it. There is this crazy fear I have of being rejected by anyone - even people I don't really care about. It's always better to leave them first, cut all ties, and disappear. They can't hurt me that way - no one can. "

"As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to be whole and complete in yourself. No one can give you that. You have to know who you are - what others say is irrelevant."

"It's like if the music is loud enough I won't be able to listen to my own thoughts. "

"I feel so completely crazy sometimes. I don't know which way I'm facing. All I can do is just shove all this shit to the side and try to move forward. "

"I don't want you to worry about protecting my feelings or your father's or anybody's. When you were little you always tried to make everyone happy. Then it was like one day you just exploded."

"None of them seem as crazy obsessive about everything as I am. It's strange 'cause I had the same feeling in high school that I have here. It's like, well, it just seems so easy for everyone else and so difficult for me. I turn from these extremes of feeling on top of the fucking world - to feeling so despondent. They don't have to struggle like I do - or maybe that's just me comparing my goddamn insides to everyone else's outsides. But I swear to God, I just seem to wrestle with everything more than anyone else."

"There's something about outward appearances that has always been important to me. I always thought I was so ugly. I mean, I really did. I remember being in L.A. at my mom's house as a little kid and just staring into the mirror for hours. It was like, if I looked long enough, maybe I'd finally be handsome. It never worked. I just got uglier and uglier. Nothing about me ever seemed good enough. And there was this sadness inside me - this hopelessness. Focusing on my physical appearance was at least easier than trying to address the internal shit."

*****

P.S: After reading Beautiful Boy I wrote a song called "Nicholas". You can read it here: http://themadmusingsofahopelessdaydreamer.blogspot.com/2008/11/nicholas.html
A group that just demoed a song for me heard "Nicholas" on my blog, liked it, and expressed interest in it. I sent them the sheet music. We'll see what comes of it. It is one of my favorite songs that I've written- so I hope it finds some use. I'll keep you posted...

(follow this link for an update on Nic Sheff: http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/04/16/shef.inside.addiction.tweak/index.html)

"Two Worlds" (Vocal Demo)

I recenlty had a song demoed by a vocalist/pianist. It is an older one that I wrote called "Two Worlds". You can read the original post of the lyrics at this link:

http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=5752469450496648948&postID=9151063487594928994

And listen to the vocal here:

Ben Franklin's 13 Virtues and Me

In his 20's, Ben Franklin devised a list of virtues to live by and tracked his progress in being attentive to the virtues in a small book for many years. When I read them again recently, I realized that at one point, many years ago, these virtues came naturally to me. Those are innocent times! I'm sure that is the case with many people.

However, over the years I've grown a bit careless, unthoughtful, selfish, and reckless in my behavior and have only recently realized it. With that in mind, I'm making a pledge to get myself back on track and out of a rut. In doing so, I'm using Ben Franklin's 13 virtues and am keeping track of my progress. They seem to be a common sense approach to living a balanced life that puts others ahead of one's self- and I know from experience- that's what makes me the happiest. So...wish me luck; I'll keep you posted!

1. Temperance:
Eat not to dullness and drink not to elevation.
2. Silence:
Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling conversation.
3. Order:
Let all your things have their places. Let each part of your business have its time.
4. Resolution:
Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve.
5. Frugality:
Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself: i.e. Waste nothing.
6. Industry:
Lose no time. Be always employed in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary actions.
7. Sincerity:
Use no hurtful deceit. Think innocently and justly; and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
8. Justice:
Wrong none, by doing injuries or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
9. Moderation:
Avoid extremes. Forebear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
10. Cleanliness:
Tolerate no uncleanness in body, clothes or habitation.
11. Chastity:
Rarely use venery but for health; Never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.
12. Tranquility:
Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
13. Humility:
Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

"Evening Star" by Poe

Here is another musical setting I've done for a Poe Poem...

"Evening Star"

by Edgar Allan Poe

'Twas noontide of summer,

And midtime of night,

And stars, in their orbits,

Shone pale, through the light

Of the brighter, cold moon.

'Mid planets her slaves,

Herself in the Heavens,

Her beam on the waves.

I gazed awhile

On her cold smile;

Too cold--too cold for me--

There passed, as a shroud,

A fleecy cloud,

And I turned away to thee,

Proud Evening Star,

In thy glory afar

And dearer thy beam shall be;

For joy to my heart Is the proud part

Thou bearest in Heaven at night,

And more I admire

Thy distant fire,

Than that colder, lowly light.

-1827.

"A Dream Within a Dream" by Poe (My Musical Setting)

Here is a rough draft of a musical setting I'm working on for Edgar Allan Poe's poem, "A Dream Within a Dream". I've always loved this poem and believe that there is so much truth in it.

The oboe plays the vocal line on this midi file and a harp plays the keyboard line...

"A Dream Within a Dream"

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow:
You are not wrong who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand--
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep--while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe
(published 1849)

*This poem was re-written many times throughout Poe's life. This version- the final version- was published the year of mysterious death.

Shakespeare's Sonnet 20 by Rufus Wainwright

I love Rufus. This setting and performance of Sonnet 20 (A Woman's Face) makes me love him more. I think he is the true musical genius and voice of our generation (not Kanye West). He composed melodies for the Sonnets for a theatrical production in Germany. You can find the staged versions on YouTube. They are fantastic.

His new album, "All Days are Nights- Songs for Lulu", has just come out. It's only piano and vocal- but it is the best thing I've heard in a long time. Give it a listen!

(You'll have to stop the opera music player that is about half way down on the side bar to listen to this video)

Old Songs from My First Try at a Musical- "Beyond Bethlehem"

Back in 2002, I spent a summer writing a musical for Christmas called "Beyond Bethlehem". It was a two-act show and had over twelve original songs. I have been lucky enough to see it performed (for the first time in 2004). I thought I'd post some videos from that first show.

There are four songs here. "Why Me?" is a song that the character of Mary sings. It deals with her coming to terms with her unexpected and unusual pregnancy. Then, the song "Just a Man" is one that the character Joseph sings. In it, he expresses the emotions that could have come to his mind when he learned of his future wife's situation. The song "Our Night" is actually a song I wrote with Andy Brown for another project when I was in college. I pulled it out, changed it a slight bit, and put it in this show- just so the musical would have a love theme. Lastly, the song "These Hands" is done by the Mary and Joseph characters at the manger.

The musical combined Easter and Christmas themes. It opened and closed at Golgatha just after the execution of Christ. The birth story was told in flashbacks and was staged in front of the Cross. It told the story of how faith can be a positive force and can change people for the better. I grown a lot since then, and might approach the story a bit differently now. However, I do believe that faith in something bigger than ourselves can be a powerful thing and is essential to being truly happy in this difficult world. But that's a subject for another blog.

I was only 22 at the time I started this project, and I was under the influence of the pop/rock Broadway shows I was listening to at the time. Since, my tastes have changed and there are many things I would now do differently. But it was a great learning experience. Steven Whiston, who played Joseph, was fantastic (and still is!). Mia Diamond as Mary did a wonderful job with my fledgling attempts at songwriting. The directing was done by Cara Ward. In any case, I thought I'd add some of these memories to my blog...

-if you want to listen to these videos, you'll need to pause the mp3 player that is providing the lovely opera music (Vide Cor Meum)- you can find it about halfway down the side-bar on your right :)

"Why Me?" from the Christmas Musical "Beyond Bethlehem"

"Just a Man" from the Christmas Musical "Beyond Bethlehem"

"Our Night" as used in the Christmas Musical "Beyond Bethlehem"

"These Hands" from the Christmas Musical "Beyond Bethlehem"

"Don't" by Spraggins and Brown

For the last two weeks, Andy Brown and I have been working on a song called "Don't". He sent me the lyrics by email, and I set it to music. After several emails back and forth, we made some changes to the lyric and the music and had a rough draft within a week. Here is what we have come up with so far. The midi file uses an electric piano and cello sound. I really love the sound of this one. We'll have a video of the vocal up soon.

“Don’t”

Verse 1
You make me question everything I am or thought to be.
And though I know that you are spoken for, taboo to me,
I relish every taste and touch, the very thought of you.
It doesn’t matter that it’s fantasy that I play with you.

What do you want from me?
Why do you encroach on me?
What is it I get from you
that makes me feel the way I do?

Chorus
Don’t linger too near to me.
Don’t disclose your heart to me.
Don’t you know I ache for you?
Don’t you know I dream of you?
Don’t stand close, your touch, it burns.
Don’t pretend that I don’t yearn.
Don’t hold back because of fear.
Don’t mistake. I want you, dear.
Every impulse in me screams…
Don’t.

Verse 2
I hold you at a distance, though I want you by my side,
and childishly degrade myself, when I should run and hide.
Could I be enough for you, solace when the day is through?
Could I be the oath you take and heart that you will never break?

What do you see in me?
Will you revive my heart for me?
When you are wide awake at night,
just know I long to hold you tight.

Bridge
Our lives are not the ones that have to be considered.
Who knows? Our souls might meet again in a life or two.
I’m sad and lonely, but that’s no excuse for sinning.
But say the word, and I will follow you.

(Repeat Chorus)

Lyrics: Andy Brown

Music: Jason Spraggins

*Andy Brown singing "Don't" along with the midi file.

My Original Music

Hear music I've written in midi form:



(links to song samples are also included with previous postings)

"Casting Pearls"

"CASTING PEARLS"

*click link to hear sheet music: http://tindeck.com/listen/pztj

Verse:
I climbed a mountain by the sea
while I was lost in Galilee.
I saw the sun and lost my sight.
I feared the King, so I took flight.

Verse:
 I’ve fed the dogs the holy bread 
and searched for love among the dead. 
I’ve shared my finest with the swine, 
to spare the heart of all mankind.

Chorus:
I’m casting pearls; I’m throwing dice- 
collecting dreams of men and mice. 
I’m just a Robin Hood of sorts; 
I ride upon a stolen horse.
I lost my place among the scribes. 
When I refused to take the bribe. 
And now the meek wait for the world, 
while I continue casting pearls.

Verse:
I still recite the Golden Rule, 
but you should fear the feckless fool. 
He knows the words but not the tune- 
is simply howling at the moon.

Verse:
As Jonathan and David knew, 
the pure in heart are blessed few. 
And there's a chance we can see God 
if we can deconstruct the fraud.

Bridge:
It seems my salted earth is gone. 
I sell myself in Babylon. 
But still the Kingdom chases me- 
this lost and wayward Pharisee.

(Repeat Chorus) 

"Alexandra Leaving" by Leonard Cohen

"Alexandra Leaving"
by Leonard Cohen

(based on The God Abandons Antony,

a poem by Constantine P. Cavafy)

Suddenly the night has grown colder.
The God of Love preparing to depart.
Alexandra hoisted on his shoulder,
they slip between the sentries of your heart.

Upheld by the simplicities of pleasure,
they gain the light, they formlessly entwine;
and radiant beyond your widest measure
they fall among the voices and the wine.

lt's not a trick, your senses all deceiving,
a fitful dream the morning will exhaust---
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving,
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.

Even though she sleeps upon your satin.
Even though she wakes you with a kiss.
Do not say the moment was imagined,
Do not stoop to strategies like this.

As someone long prepared for this to happen,
Go firmly to the window. Drink it in.
Exquisite music, Alexandra laughing.
Your first commitments tangible again.

You who had the honor of her evening,
And by that honor had your own restored---
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Alexandra leaving with her lord.

As someone long prepared for the occasion;
In full command of every plan you wrecked---
Do not choose a coward's explanation
that hides behind the cause and the effect,

You who were bewildered by a meaning,
whose code was broken, crucifix uncrossed---
Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost.


Hydra, Greece September 1999
(Recorded as a song on the 2001 album "Ten New Songs")

Sound Samples for Older Posts....

I have just added a new links to the following posts from the past:


"Brothers","Two Worlds", "Nicholas", "Rio","The Maze", ".Free", "The Masks We Wear", "Unspoken", and "Stigmata".

If you click the links you will be able to hear the sheet music (in midi form) to these songs, which I believe helps to establish the feeling. It will only sound as realistic as your computer's sound card, but it still gives a general idea of the melody, mood, and harmony. Give them a listen, and let me know your thoughts!

"Brothers"

*Click the link below to hear a midi sample of the sheet music to this song: 

http://www.tindeck.com/listen/jenn 

"Brothers"

Verse :

We loved the life when times were lean.
We clung to faith in things unseen.
We bared our souls and shared our wine.
You chased a love; I lost my mind.

We often froze and searched for heat
Inside our home and on the streets.
As time passed through the hour glass,
We lived for free, and we lived fast.

Chorus 1:

Though brothers then and brothers now,
We both have taken newer vows.
But still we see the eager flame
Drawn from the book that has no name. 

Verse 2:

In hallowed halls we gathered dust.
In basement depths we learned to trust.
In pubs by night, in books by day,
We heard the bells beyond the fray.

For gentile knights and fledgling men,
Your sister played the violin.
I hung a cross; you built a shrine.
We etched our bond in skin and time.

(Repeat Chorus 1)

 Verse 3:

Our swords were sharp; our hearts were brave.
We fought for dreams we could not save.
You turned your light upon the night
To help restore my failing sight.

One sacred tree gave us its leaves
And only asked that we believe.
We learned the lessons of the scribe
And searched for truth within the tribe. 

Chorus 2:

Though brothers then and brothers still,
At different altars we now kneel.
But accolades aren't far removed
From whatsoever things are true.

 J.S.-'04 (for S. Peek)